Music Videos That Suck

Butthead: Woah…huh huh huh. That’s one ugly chick.
Beavis: Hm heh. Yeah…and she sucks, too!
Butthead: Uh huh huh huh. I’ll have some of what she’s smoking, please!
Beavis: Heh heh, yeah…me too!
Butthead: I wish my TV did that! Huh huh huh.
Beavis: Yeah…then we could turn on the Playboy Channel…and we’d score! Heh heh hm heh.
Butthead: Huh huh…she’s got the munchies.
Beavis: Yeah..heh heh….ZUUUUUUL!
Butthead: Time to clean the fridge, dude! Huh huh huh.
Beavis: Heh heh…Choad Cola! Now in special wuss flavor!

Here’s another slice of dreck from Croatia, I believe. There’s no doubt about it: This is a bad video. But it isn’t grossly offensive until you realize he’s singing about Ricky Martin. Hopefully he’s singing about how Ricky Martin is a talentless assclown who should retire from music immediately, but I very much doubt that is the case.

And don’t ask me what’s up with the subplot with the guns and the guys in the ski masks. I have no idea.

Thanks to my man Stipe for writing in with this one!

Butthead: Wait a minute, what’s this…..this sucks…..

Beavis: Yeah, really. Heh heh hm heh. Is this Duran Duran?

Butthead: I don’t think so. Huh huh huh. This guy is, like, talking funny. Huh huh.

Beavis: Heh hmm heh heh. Maybe he’s stupid. Heh heh.

Butthead: Yeah. Huh huh huh. I think this is Telemundo.

Beavis: Cool!

Butthead: Huh huh huh. Cuando como locomonokomo Rico Suave! Huh huh huh.

Beavis: Heh heh heh. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!! Heh heh hm heh.

Butthead: Huh huh huh. That was pretty cool, Beavis.

Beavis: Yeah! Hm heh heh. I don’t know what it means, but it sounds cool. Heh heh. What’s it mean, Butthead?

Butthead: It means someone just scored, dude.

Beavis: Cool! Heh heh hm heh. We need to watch Telemundo more often! Heh heh.

Poor Steve Miller. He never could figure out how to adapt to the 80’s. And the decade started off so promising for him, too, when he went to the top of the charts with the pop gem Abracadabra. But after that, it seemed Steve was out of tricks. And after a string of hits in the 70’s, to fade out with pablum like 1985’s Bongo Bongo was sort of ignoble.

My guess is that Steve was under pressure to incorporate more synthesizers into his music because that was the style of the day. I sense he was forced because he simply doesn’t know how to use this instrument in his songs. It feels like he just crapped out the first complete song he could make with these new tools and stood aside so the record company could have their way with it. MTV was another new tool to be used, and from the looks of it, the makers of this video just winged it. It really doesn’t make a lot of sense. Lots of videos from the 80’s don’t make sense, but they still hold together because they have cool imagery and good songs behind them (Quarterflash’s “Harden My Heart” being my favorite example.) But here we have some chick dancing around in public Cyndi Lauper-style, and some computer-animated dork who appears to be in the video because the filmmakers had a computer animation budget, and by God, they were gonna spend every penny of it! They should have spent their money on a pro songwriter instead.

As I’ve said before, I love hair metal. And I have to say, out of all the more famous bands in the genre, White Lion was perhaps the most useless. I can’t decide which annoys me more: Pretty-boy Mike Tramp’s feminine wailing or the fact that they named themselves after a Sigfried & Roy act. Then there were their wimpy songs, which on the rock scale rank somewhat harder than Kenny Loggins but not quite as tough as Stryper. Suffice to say, I am using the metal tag very begrudgingly here. White Lion’s only redeeming feature was Vito Bratta, who was way too good a guitarist for this crummy band.

Anyway, back to those wimpy songs: Part of the problem is that while other hair metal bands were singing about the tried and true themes of booze and blowjobs, White Lion was churning out mawkish, sugary crap like When the Children Cry and my favorite example, Little Fighter. What’s Little Fighter about, you ask? Why it’s about - I swear you can’t make this stuff up - Greenpeace! That’s right, those annoying hippies who get weepy about baby seals and don’t think twice about burning through an entire boatload of fuel to harass an offshore oil rig. Specifically, Little Fighter is about the Greenpeace ship, the Rainbow Warrior. (Warrior…Fighter…get it??) What made the Rainbow Warrior so special was its untimely demise: It was sabotaged and sunk by the French.

I don’t think I need to explain the irony here, but I will anyway: If your “little fighter” gets its ass clobbered by the French, then it really wasn’t much of a fighter at all.

Isn’t this one worth it for the title alone? Sadly, I think that’s the best part of this video, but there are some other redeeming factors here, most notably the gang of kids teasing the little girl for having a crack-smoking momma. It reminds me of Eddie Murphy’s “ice cream” sketch….”You ain’t got no ice cream cuz you father is an alcoholic!”
It’s also entertaining to watch the pitifully bad acting from the “momma” and the guy who is meant to be her dealer/pimp/john/whatever. The sexuality between them isn’t particularly convincing. Neither is the threat of
violence, although I think everyone involved with this video has a beatdown coming for having anything to do with this piece of crap.

Videos like this make me think the French oughta stick to cooking and blowjobs.

It’s funny cause it’s true.

This is an historic occasion: For the first time, I am featuring a video I am actually embarassed to post here. It shames me to be a grown man laughing at vulgar, juvenile shit like this. I guess part of my psyche never grew past the 6th grade.
Then again, maybe I’m being too tough on myself. Maybe this video is perfectly natural. I mean, who didn’t make their Skeletor and Beastman action figures hump each other when they were kids? Hell, I did it just last week!
I always did think Skeletor and Beastman had kind of a funny relationship. And why was He-Man always running around with no clothes on?  What was Orko, exactly, and why was he always floating around in that cloak with his barely concealed genitals flapping in the breeze? What kind of sick, perverted shit is this?
Well, obviously I am not the first one to ask these questions because this video is proof. And BTW, your eyes aren’t deceiving you, that really is Bam Margera on keys. And that really is how the video ends. I had to check out a bunch of different versions before I realized the end wasn’t chopped off.